Incident report, 9 April 2010

Driver: bTexas

Occupants: Vietnam, PRL, Caucasia-NHA, Libya, Romania.

The highway underpass stoplights at the beginning of the morning carpool trek are timed rather precisely, so that a vehicle accelerating from a stop at the first light will reach the second one just after it turns green, even at high rates of acceleration (this sort of stoplight configuration--access roads and one light on either side of the highway in both directions-- seems to be peculiar to Texas). For most drivers, especially driving the same route every day, the idea that the second light will turn green before they reach it, the way it does every morning, is a given. Not so the delegate from Vietnam. He views that second light with a wary suspicion, convinced that one day it will stay red, and on that day, a semi truck full of hydrofluoric acid and C4 explosives will come barreling down the access road, simultaneously flattening, dissolving and exploding him, and as such, will not raise his vehicle's speed above 15 mph until he is sure that the light will turn green and stay that way.


When he is not driving, it is best to distract him when approaching this part of the intersection, to spare him the anxiety. There have been minor incidents in the past. Today, however, he was seated behind the driver, and had a full view of the approaching stoplight.

"bTexas," he said, in a normal tone of voice, "the light not green." When the driver showed no signs of slowing, the Vietnamese delegate began to worry. "bTexas! The light still red!" He frantically tapped on the driver's shoulder."bTexas! bTexas! bTexas!" He was practically pounding on the bTexas delegate at this point, which was enough to finally get his attention. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" he shouted, turning in his seat, and not watching the road, which had the effect of sending the delegate from Vietnam into further terrified convulsions, clutching his armrests for dear life, unable to speak. The minivan rolled through the intersection a nightmarish 25 mph, the light turning green before its front wheels reached the stop line. "Curses," said the driver of the explosives truck on the access road, "foiled again."