No longer under the supervision of the United Nations of Carpool, the Romanian former delegate appears to be losing contact with reality. This missive was sent out today (crazy formatting intact):
From: Romanian Former Delegate
To: local envoy
Date: 09/01/2010 10:57 AM
Subject: Re: Like a hamster...
Local Envoy,
"Liberté, égalité, fraternité" , in French for " Liberty, equality, fraternity (brotherhood)", those whishes, didn't exist in reality!
There are only people just "thinking" outside the box / tube, but never ever getting out, and being able to touch the light / enlightenment...
Every time, there is something to drag you back in the box / tube, forcing you to to do whatever you do every day, again , and again... like in my case, now, I have to go home for an emergency.
Sad story short, I'll see you tomorrow then.
This email is a response to the local envoy inquiring whether the Romanian was going to the gym at lunch.
The PRL delegate and local envoy are concerned that if the Romanian's computer were to be searched, it would be discovered that he has drawn up blueprints for a guillotine.
It is probably a good thing that Bastille Day is more than a month in the past.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The end of an era
I have been holding back a vital piece of information, pretending it doesn’t exist, because of the terrible implications of it. Life in the United Nations of Carpool as we know it is over. The Romanian delegate has ceded his membership in the UNC. He has struck out on his own, for an unfettered life of solo commuting in the Buick, no longer encumbered by the poor time management skills of a significant portion of the rest of the carpool, with their utter inability to arrive anywhere on time.
His break was brief and merciful, probably to spare the rest of the UNC the pain of his departure:
To: UNC Carpool List
From: Romanian Delegate
Date: 07/30/2010 01:15PM
Subject: Re: Current Carpool Schedule
Members of the United Nations of Carpool,
I am sorry for such a short notice, but I am not car-pooling anymore.
Is probably just me going thru a troubled phase of my life. I need more peace around me to realize what it is... I am the captain of my Buick..., at least when my wife is not around...
Thanks.
Romanian Delegate
And with that, he was gone. Carpool democracy mourns his return to the dictatorship of the Buick.
His break was brief and merciful, probably to spare the rest of the UNC the pain of his departure:
To: UNC Carpool List
From: Romanian Delegate
Date: 07/30/2010 01:15PM
Subject: Re: Current Carpool Schedule
Members of the United Nations of Carpool,
I am sorry for such a short notice, but I am not car-pooling anymore.
Is probably just me going thru a troubled phase of my life. I need more peace around me to realize what it is... I am the captain of my Buick..., at least when my wife is not around...
Thanks.
Romanian Delegate
And with that, he was gone. Carpool democracy mourns his return to the dictatorship of the Buick.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Writing this made me throw up in my mouth a little.
How to lose weight and develop a compulsive handwashing habit:
Step 1: Go to a meeting with your coworkers.
Step 2: Observe.
At first, you will probably observe only a little scratching. Maybe the guy across the table is scratching absently at his arm, or his head, or chin. Once you are aware of scratching, you will notice when it becomes picking. Suddenly, the gentle itch-relief of Jim from Accounting becomes the incessant picking at a bump on his forearm. Or maybe scalp-picking, or scratching at beard-stubble. Keep an eye on that scratching finger, because soon Jim’s efforts are going to pay off, and a little hunk of skin or scalp or scab is going to come off, and he is not going to just idly flick it under the table, where maybe you will be able to forget about it (after 3 or 4 rounds with a surgical antiseptic). No, Jim from Accounting is going to hold on to that little hunk of DNA, and roll it between his fingers. Maybe he will play it off as brushing his fingers off, but since you’re now obsessed (you know you are), you will watch his fingers, and see that he still has it. It’s under his fingernail, and he is glancing surreptitiously around the conference room, to see if anyone has noticed this. As long as you are not heaving up your breakfast with the realization, he will proceed with his next move—the lip brush or the nail bite. Yes, that’s right, that little bit of Jim just can’t go to feed the dust mites, he’s going to keep it. The lip brush is subtler, but Jim thinks no one has noticed, so he’s going to go for the full chomp. Fingernail and scab, all in one bite. Try not to rush out of the room, because there is more fun to be had!
Don’t worry about sticking to your diet, because you will not want to eat again ever.
Next, we meet the beard-picker, whose ingrown follicles are mighty itchy and need some relief. Try not to let him sit between you and a light source, or you will be witness to a cascade of epidermal cells, defying you to ever touch a communal tabletop again. There’s also the straight-up nail biter, who sometimes multitasks fingernail maintenance with dental hygiene, and picks his teeth with that sliver of thumbnail. In the privacy of his bathroom? No! In the middle of the meeting.
The nose scratcher quickly turns into a booger eater, using Jim’s fingernail trick, and you will never look at your boss the same way again! Or shake anyone’s hand! Or eat lunch anywhere besides the ladies’ room, which at this point is looking positively hygienic.
It’s true: everyone you work with has disgusting habits, and you will never look them in the eye again. And now that you have started noticing the scab scratching and the nail biting and the skin picking and the booger eating, you will never, EVER be able to ignore them.
Congratulations! You have (yet another) work-induced neurosis!
You’re welcome.
Step 1: Go to a meeting with your coworkers.
Step 2: Observe.
At first, you will probably observe only a little scratching. Maybe the guy across the table is scratching absently at his arm, or his head, or chin. Once you are aware of scratching, you will notice when it becomes picking. Suddenly, the gentle itch-relief of Jim from Accounting becomes the incessant picking at a bump on his forearm. Or maybe scalp-picking, or scratching at beard-stubble. Keep an eye on that scratching finger, because soon Jim’s efforts are going to pay off, and a little hunk of skin or scalp or scab is going to come off, and he is not going to just idly flick it under the table, where maybe you will be able to forget about it (after 3 or 4 rounds with a surgical antiseptic). No, Jim from Accounting is going to hold on to that little hunk of DNA, and roll it between his fingers. Maybe he will play it off as brushing his fingers off, but since you’re now obsessed (you know you are), you will watch his fingers, and see that he still has it. It’s under his fingernail, and he is glancing surreptitiously around the conference room, to see if anyone has noticed this. As long as you are not heaving up your breakfast with the realization, he will proceed with his next move—the lip brush or the nail bite. Yes, that’s right, that little bit of Jim just can’t go to feed the dust mites, he’s going to keep it. The lip brush is subtler, but Jim thinks no one has noticed, so he’s going to go for the full chomp. Fingernail and scab, all in one bite. Try not to rush out of the room, because there is more fun to be had!
Don’t worry about sticking to your diet, because you will not want to eat again ever.
Next, we meet the beard-picker, whose ingrown follicles are mighty itchy and need some relief. Try not to let him sit between you and a light source, or you will be witness to a cascade of epidermal cells, defying you to ever touch a communal tabletop again. There’s also the straight-up nail biter, who sometimes multitasks fingernail maintenance with dental hygiene, and picks his teeth with that sliver of thumbnail. In the privacy of his bathroom? No! In the middle of the meeting.
The nose scratcher quickly turns into a booger eater, using Jim’s fingernail trick, and you will never look at your boss the same way again! Or shake anyone’s hand! Or eat lunch anywhere besides the ladies’ room, which at this point is looking positively hygienic.
It’s true: everyone you work with has disgusting habits, and you will never look them in the eye again. And now that you have started noticing the scab scratching and the nail biting and the skin picking and the booger eating, you will never, EVER be able to ignore them.
Congratulations! You have (yet another) work-induced neurosis!
You’re welcome.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tardiness is socialism
This is it for the Romanian delegate.. He did not come to America to be delayed by communist carpool rules that demand that the timeliness of the group be sacrificed in waiting for the slowest of them to arrive. In his individualist America, it is every man for himself in the quest to arrive at work at precisely 8:00 in the morning.
This email went out on Thursday, 7/22:
Carpool members,
To pick Libyan, Caucasian and bTexas delegates up, in the morning, I have to be awake and leave my home with 15 to 20 minutes earlier. In addition to that, I have to stop, wait ( sometimes too long ), and start the engine one to four times, which increases my gas consumption, and sometimes my blood pressure, overall.
Libya, Caucasia, bTexas, no offense, but I realize that I need those 15 to 20 minutes ( willingly donated to you so far, for such a long time ) in the morning just for me.
So, staring tomorrow, I will not by picking you up anymore. I will not be parking my car in front of Libya's, or Caucasia's house when is their turn to drive, without blocking the driveway, mail delivery, or trash collection.
Will be educational and much better for all of us, to know that whoever is scheduled to drive, must leave Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly place at 7:30AM sharp, with or without scheduled passengers. This way we will avoid explanatory phone calls, and the possibility to be late. Is all about respect for us, and for our job.
It will not be necessary for you, as scheduler, to track all those miles adding more data to an already over-complicated equation. We all have to be grateful for your work, and make it as easier as possible with everyone's contribution.
I am sure everybody can be responsible for it's own time!
That being said, starting tomorrow, I'll meet you all at Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly prior to 7:30AM. I don't know about you, but I will be gone if the scheduled driver is not there at least two minutes prior to 7:30AM.
Thanks for your understanding.
Romanian Delegate
To be honest, a central meeting place makes more sense, even if half the UNC members are coming from the same neighborhood. It makes the carpool matrix significantly less complicated, and certain members are less than dependable. This was all agreed upon in the UNC when all members were present the next afternoon. Watches were even synchronized, in good humor, to make sure that no one missed the 2 minute window, and all went home for the weekend.
On Monday morning, sure enough, the Romanian and Libyan delegates were early to the Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly, and were shortly joined by the Vietnamese and PRL delegates. However, at 7:27 am, bTexas, the designated driver, had not shown up. As the fateful minute ticked by, the Romanian delegate readied himself for his exodus. The UNC had not discussed how to coordinate the driving if the original driver failed to appear on schedule, but this did not deter him. As his watch struck 7:28, he started up the Buick and drove off. In a feat of Lifetime made-for-TV-movie timing, he turned onto the highway just as bTexas’ minivan pulled into the parking lot. Obviously, our watches need to be synchronized to the second, not just the minute.
bTexas was not amused at this turn of events, and was committed to catching the Romanian delegate somewhere in the intervening 25 miles. After his third pass on the shoulder of a slow-moving semi truck, the PRL delegate closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep, so that her imminent death would remain a surprise until the last possible moment.
Unfortunately, the Romanian and bTexas delegates reside in another building, so the inevitable cold war went undocumented.
This email went out on Thursday, 7/22:
Carpool members,
To pick Libyan, Caucasian and bTexas delegates up, in the morning, I have to be awake and leave my home with 15 to 20 minutes earlier. In addition to that, I have to stop, wait ( sometimes too long ), and start the engine one to four times, which increases my gas consumption, and sometimes my blood pressure, overall.
Libya, Caucasia, bTexas, no offense, but I realize that I need those 15 to 20 minutes ( willingly donated to you so far, for such a long time ) in the morning just for me.
So, staring tomorrow, I will not by picking you up anymore. I will not be parking my car in front of Libya's, or Caucasia's house when is their turn to drive, without blocking the driveway, mail delivery, or trash collection.
Will be educational and much better for all of us, to know that whoever is scheduled to drive, must leave Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly place at 7:30AM sharp, with or without scheduled passengers. This way we will avoid explanatory phone calls, and the possibility to be late. Is all about respect for us, and for our job.
It will not be necessary for you, as scheduler, to track all those miles adding more data to an already over-complicated equation. We all have to be grateful for your work, and make it as easier as possible with everyone's contribution.
I am sure everybody can be responsible for it's own time!
That being said, starting tomorrow, I'll meet you all at Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly prior to 7:30AM. I don't know about you, but I will be gone if the scheduled driver is not there at least two minutes prior to 7:30AM.
Thanks for your understanding.
Romanian Delegate
To be honest, a central meeting place makes more sense, even if half the UNC members are coming from the same neighborhood. It makes the carpool matrix significantly less complicated, and certain members are less than dependable. This was all agreed upon in the UNC when all members were present the next afternoon. Watches were even synchronized, in good humor, to make sure that no one missed the 2 minute window, and all went home for the weekend.
On Monday morning, sure enough, the Romanian and Libyan delegates were early to the Chain Restaurant for Truckers and the Elderly, and were shortly joined by the Vietnamese and PRL delegates. However, at 7:27 am, bTexas, the designated driver, had not shown up. As the fateful minute ticked by, the Romanian delegate readied himself for his exodus. The UNC had not discussed how to coordinate the driving if the original driver failed to appear on schedule, but this did not deter him. As his watch struck 7:28, he started up the Buick and drove off. In a feat of Lifetime made-for-TV-movie timing, he turned onto the highway just as bTexas’ minivan pulled into the parking lot. Obviously, our watches need to be synchronized to the second, not just the minute.
bTexas was not amused at this turn of events, and was committed to catching the Romanian delegate somewhere in the intervening 25 miles. After his third pass on the shoulder of a slow-moving semi truck, the PRL delegate closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep, so that her imminent death would remain a surprise until the last possible moment.
Unfortunately, the Romanian and bTexas delegates reside in another building, so the inevitable cold war went undocumented.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tardiness will not be tolerated.
The Romanian delegate has had enough. He is not content to sit and wait, becoming increasingly late for work, as the Caucasia-NCA delegate, and then bTexas take their sweet ass time getting to the proscribed meeting points. Today, he mutinied. When his (American-made) watch ticked past the time to leave, he left, passenger seats empty. First, he left the Caucasia-NCA delegate at his house, then bTexas at the Frozen Dairy Treat Franchise that is his designated meeting spot. The Romanian’s cell phone had died, so he couldn’t call to tell them he was leaving them, but no matter. They were late, and they had it coming.
When he arrived at the Restaurant for Truck Drivers and the Elderly that is the meeting place for the PRL and Vietnamese delegates, on time for the first time in months, he requested a phone call be made to the errant delegates. “We are waiting for the Romanian!” they claimed. “He is here!” the PRL delegate explained, “You were late!” If you have ever seen a cartoon where the character holds the phone away from their head, while various symbols that substitute for expletives stream out of the earpiece, then you have an idea of how bTexas reacted to this revelation.
Despite the Romanian’s protestations, the decision to wait for those slowpoke delegates was made, in the spirit of equanimity. Additionally, this allowed the Romanian delegate to harangue bTexas and Caucasia-NCA for several minutes on their rampant tardiness. Watches were synchronized, and the PRL delegate fell asleep in the back of the minivan, safe from the disgruntled glares of offended delegates on both sides of the issue.
As the minivan departed, carrying bTexas and the Romanian delegate to their end of the plant, the other 3 delegates stood in the mist and watched as it receded towards the nitrogen tank. “Oh crap,” muttered the Vietnamese delegate, “I forgot my drink in the cupholder.” Now his drink this afternoon will be 2 ounces of hot, watered down soda.
When he arrived at the Restaurant for Truck Drivers and the Elderly that is the meeting place for the PRL and Vietnamese delegates, on time for the first time in months, he requested a phone call be made to the errant delegates. “We are waiting for the Romanian!” they claimed. “He is here!” the PRL delegate explained, “You were late!” If you have ever seen a cartoon where the character holds the phone away from their head, while various symbols that substitute for expletives stream out of the earpiece, then you have an idea of how bTexas reacted to this revelation.
Despite the Romanian’s protestations, the decision to wait for those slowpoke delegates was made, in the spirit of equanimity. Additionally, this allowed the Romanian delegate to harangue bTexas and Caucasia-NCA for several minutes on their rampant tardiness. Watches were synchronized, and the PRL delegate fell asleep in the back of the minivan, safe from the disgruntled glares of offended delegates on both sides of the issue.
As the minivan departed, carrying bTexas and the Romanian delegate to their end of the plant, the other 3 delegates stood in the mist and watched as it receded towards the nitrogen tank. “Oh crap,” muttered the Vietnamese delegate, “I forgot my drink in the cupholder.” Now his drink this afternoon will be 2 ounces of hot, watered down soda.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Obviously he knows something we don't
The Romanian delegate seems, by all rights, a reasonably intelligent person. He is an engineer, with a Master’s degree. It can’t always be said that engineers, particularly those with higher degrees, are completely sane, but it’s pretty much a given that they are smart. Maybe it has something to do with growing up in a communist country, where critical thinking is not highly prized, especially under a dictator like Nicolae Ceauşescu. It’s hard to tell. What is evident, however, is that the Romanian delegate seems to believe just about anything that anyone tells him (for instance, parsley).
He mentioned the other day something called “biorhythms,” which he said he uses to predict his energy level and general health on a daily basis. Thinking that this was something that would interest the local envoy, he sent a link, so she could see for herself the wonders of biorhythms. This link was dutifully forwarded to the PRL Delegate, who has no natural rhythm, and thus will take all the biorhythm she can get.
Using your birth date as the only data input, an obscure and undoubtedly devilishly complicated program produces a lovely set of color-coded sine waves, from which you apparently can determine whether or not it is safe to go to work (“If your waves, they are very high or very low, you should stay at home, in the bed, because you could have heart attack or stroke”). The PRL delegate was surprised to learn that while she felt rather average (if a bit tired) today, her sine waves were all peaking, and as such she should be “manic” and confined to bed, lest she give herself an aneurism if she so much as sneezed. 
This was a distressing find, as this delegate had already committed to a strenuous interval of aerobic exercise during the lunch break, and to back out would have caused her to look like a pansy-pants. Frantically, she consulted the site’s other magical calculators, and was given a list of words that might be used to describe her day.
(if your parsley breakfast didn't give you super-vision, clicky for a large version)
Drama! Hell! Sacrifice! Exhaustion! Slaughter! Syzygy! Even the words were against her today!
What about the runes? Maybe the runes could give her some good news!
(Again with the clicking)
Oh no! Was she throwing her life away on a game of chance with her cerebral artery? Did the rune indicate her loss of consciousness from brain trauma if she worked out, or her loss of self-esteem from being a pansy-pants who skipped out on it? Why couldn’t the stars, or whatever it is that controls the mystical website, give her a straight answer? This was a matter of life or death or floral trousers!
Maybe in her panic, she missed something in the list of words! Frantically, she scrutinized the nouns for another insight into her plight, and like a bolt of wisdom from the mysterious website deities, she finally understood. Her world was suffused with calm and enlightenment. The walls buzzed with the harmonic vibration of understanding. Then the industrial equipment just outside her office turned off, and the shaking stopped.
Mercenary Oyster Stallion.
Obviously everything was going to be okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)