Driver: Romania
Occupants: PRL, local envoy.
On routine mission to the gym, Romanian delegate was comparing the fitness level of his younger self to that of his current self: “When I was younger, my stomach, it had many… packages. But now I am fat, and have only one large package!”
Local envoy and delegate from PRL would prefer not to engage in further information-seeking to confirm or deny this report.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Incident report: 5/14/2008
Driver: Romania
Occupants: Libya, PRL, Caucasia-NCA
After spotting trailer hitch-mounted "Truck Nutz" on a large pickup on the morning commute, Romanian delegate asked UNC, “What is this?”
After some initial consternation, theories from Caucasia-NCA and Libyan delegates included a device for calling cattle, bells, or some sort of electrical component holder. After several minutes of discussion, the delegate from PRL was compelled to inform the other UNC delegates that they were, in fact, testicles.
“Oh!” responded the Romanian delegate, “You can buy these at the Autozone?”
Occupants: Libya, PRL, Caucasia-NCA
After spotting trailer hitch-mounted "Truck Nutz" on a large pickup on the morning commute, Romanian delegate asked UNC, “What is this?”
After some initial consternation, theories from Caucasia-NCA and Libyan delegates included a device for calling cattle, bells, or some sort of electrical component holder. After several minutes of discussion, the delegate from PRL was compelled to inform the other UNC delegates that they were, in fact, testicles.
“Oh!” responded the Romanian delegate, “You can buy these at the Autozone?”
Incident report: 01/27/2010
Driver: Caucasia-NCA
4:53 pm CST: Upon exiting the plant facility, low air pressure in a rear tire was reported by the driver of a non-UNC vehicle. Delegate from Romania did not initially understand the gestures of the vehicle occupant, until delegate from Caucasia-NCA realized that the window needed to be rolled down. UNC vehicle was driven to a nearby gas station for inspection.
4:57 pm CST: After pulling up at air supply, Caucasia-NCA delegate disembarked to refill tire. Romanian delegate followed, with air pressure gauge. Vietnamese delegate also disembarked, to supervise tire filling. At this point, Caucasia-NCA delegate discovered a screw in the tire tread. Initial decision was made to change the tire before completing commute. Libyan delegate disembarks before vehicle is moved to flat, secluded section of parking lot, and walks behind vehicle. PRL delegate is stuck in the third row seating, with no one left in the vehicle to flip middle seats up so she can get out.
5:02 pm CST: PRL delegate is finally freed from the back of the vehicle. Discussion begins on relative merits of driving on a compromised tire that seems to be holding air.
Libyan delegate: We can stop halfway to check on it
Caucasia-NCA: It may not be safe
Romania: It will be faster
Vietnam: I don’t want to be killed on the side of the road.
5:08 pm CST: Final decision: change tire.
5:09 pm CST: Tire changing commences. Vietnamese delegate embarks on snack-finding mission to convenience store.
5:11 pm CST: Trunk is unloaded. Following instructions on spare tire compartment, Caucasia-NCA delegate is struggling to turn metal rod that will lower spare tire from underside of vehicle. Romanian delegate moves him out of the way and finishes lowering tire.
5:14 pm CST: Romanian demands to know what Libyan delegate is doing. Libyan delegate is loosening lug nuts before vehicle is raised on jacks. Romanian delegate considers this suspicious.
5:17 pm CST: Spare and jack at the ready, Caucasia-NCA attempts to raise jack. Fails.
5:18 pm CST: Vietnamese delegate returns with beef jerky and energy drink.
5:19 pm CST: Caucasia-NCA, Libyan, Vietnamese and Romanian delegates squat on pavement next to vehicle, puzzling over still-nonfunctioning jack.
5:21 pm CST: Small piece of plastic is removed from jack. Handle now fits, and jack is functional. Discussion on proper jack placement.
5:23 pm CST: Vehicle raised, lug nut removal begins. Removal accomplished by Caucasia-NCA delegate, with close scrutiny by Romanian and Libyan delegates. Vietnamese delegate snaps into a Slim Jim.
5:25 pm CST: Damaged tire removed by Romanian delegate while Caucasia-NCA delegate’s back is turned. Libyan delegate inspects spare tire. Romanian delegate demands that spare tire be brought to him, and refuses assistance in putting it in place. Libyan delegate critiques lug-tightening technique. Vietnamese delegate stands unnecessarily close to Romanian delegate.
Occupants: Romania, Libya, PRL, Vietnam
4:53 pm CST: Upon exiting the plant facility, low air pressure in a rear tire was reported by the driver of a non-UNC vehicle. Delegate from Romania did not initially understand the gestures of the vehicle occupant, until delegate from Caucasia-NCA realized that the window needed to be rolled down. UNC vehicle was driven to a nearby gas station for inspection.
4:57 pm CST: After pulling up at air supply, Caucasia-NCA delegate disembarked to refill tire. Romanian delegate followed, with air pressure gauge. Vietnamese delegate also disembarked, to supervise tire filling. At this point, Caucasia-NCA delegate discovered a screw in the tire tread. Initial decision was made to change the tire before completing commute. Libyan delegate disembarks before vehicle is moved to flat, secluded section of parking lot, and walks behind vehicle. PRL delegate is stuck in the third row seating, with no one left in the vehicle to flip middle seats up so she can get out.
5:02 pm CST: PRL delegate is finally freed from the back of the vehicle. Discussion begins on relative merits of driving on a compromised tire that seems to be holding air.
Libyan delegate: We can stop halfway to check on it
Caucasia-NCA: It may not be safe
Romania: It will be faster
Vietnam: I don’t want to be killed on the side of the road.
5:08 pm CST: Final decision: change tire.
5:09 pm CST: Tire changing commences. Vietnamese delegate embarks on snack-finding mission to convenience store.
5:11 pm CST: Trunk is unloaded. Following instructions on spare tire compartment, Caucasia-NCA delegate is struggling to turn metal rod that will lower spare tire from underside of vehicle. Romanian delegate moves him out of the way and finishes lowering tire.
5:14 pm CST: Romanian demands to know what Libyan delegate is doing. Libyan delegate is loosening lug nuts before vehicle is raised on jacks. Romanian delegate considers this suspicious.
5:17 pm CST: Spare and jack at the ready, Caucasia-NCA attempts to raise jack. Fails.
5:18 pm CST: Vietnamese delegate returns with beef jerky and energy drink.
5:19 pm CST: Caucasia-NCA, Libyan, Vietnamese and Romanian delegates squat on pavement next to vehicle, puzzling over still-nonfunctioning jack.
5:21 pm CST: Small piece of plastic is removed from jack. Handle now fits, and jack is functional. Discussion on proper jack placement.
5:23 pm CST: Vehicle raised, lug nut removal begins. Removal accomplished by Caucasia-NCA delegate, with close scrutiny by Romanian and Libyan delegates. Vietnamese delegate snaps into a Slim Jim.
5:25 pm CST: Damaged tire removed by Romanian delegate while Caucasia-NCA delegate’s back is turned. Libyan delegate inspects spare tire. Romanian delegate demands that spare tire be brought to him, and refuses assistance in putting it in place. Libyan delegate critiques lug-tightening technique. Vietnamese delegate stands unnecessarily close to Romanian delegate.
5:30 pm CST: Vehicle is lowered to the ground. Caucasia-NCA, Romanian, Vietnamese delegates inspect damaged tire. Libyan delegate tightens lug nuts by jumping on lug wrench. Romanian delegate demands an explanation.
5:33 pm CST: Caucasia-NCA and Vietnamese delegates attempt to place compromised tire in spare tire well. Libyan delegate supervises.
5:37 pm CST: Romanian delegate tests air pressure at determines that 2.5 psi more is required. “We must go back to air hose!”
5:37 pm CST: Caucasia-NCA delegate pulls up to only diesel pump without air hose.
5:38 pm CST: Vehicle moved to pump with air hose.
5:38 pm CST: Caucasia-NCA delegate fills tire. Romanian delegate measures air pressure. Vietnamese and Libyan delegates supervise closely.
5:39 pm CST: Vehicle is deemed safe for travel by consensus of all UNC members. Remainder of commute proceeds normally.
The United Nations of Carpool
Let's meet our delegates:
Romania: Large, burly mechanical engineer with requisite communist mustache, even though, in his own emphatic words "I hate communists!" Emigrated 2001. Frequent mistranslations from the original Romanian. Drives a Buick SUV with inexplicable UK flag sticker on the back, and infrequently, a Buick sedan with furry seat covers.
Libya: Diminutive, graying, scholarly-looking. Tendancy to think himself infallible and to monopolize group meetings. Also the representative of Islam. Senior research scientist. Emigrated circa 1980. Drives a mid-2000s Lexus sedan or a Ford minivan, depending on the number of carpool passengers. Keeper of the carpool matrix.
Vietnam: The absent-mindedprofessor research scientist. A bit wobbly round the middle, with a tendancy to wear his college-age son's sweatshirts to work for days at a time. Key phrase: "Wha happen?" and "Does this have cupholder?" Emigrated circa 1980. Drives a late 2000s Lexus sedan, well below the speed limit. Sometimes claims to be buddhist.
Caucasia (region of North Cracker Awkwardonia): The stereotypical white male delegate, a native of Illinois. Tall and gangly and very awkward. Like many of his tribe, he has no rhythm and poor social skills. Emigrated to Texas circa 1985. Drives his wife's Dodge SUV on days he is the driver, and a pickup on days he isn't. Chronically late. Senior research scientist.
People's Republic of Ladyparts (PRL): Emigrated to Texas from the liberal northern east coast in 2005. Token female left-leaning feminist vegetarian atheist nutbag. Drives a 2003 Saturn Ion. Research scientist. It is very possible that you will spend several hours in the presence of this delegate before hearing her speak a complete sentence. Do not be alarmed, as this is perfectly natural for her, and not a sign that she is secretly plotting against you.
brotha Texas (bTexas): Native of Texas, and sole Black member of the United Nations of Carpool (technically, the Libyan delegate is more African, having been born there and all). Frequently used as translator for delegate for Romania. Mechanical engineer. Drives a Toyota truck named Gabby, or his wife's minivan (no known name). Delegate in temorary retrement due to change in domicile.
Special local envoy: Accompanies gym-going UNC members (PRL, Caucasia-NCA, Romania, bTexas) on routine fat-fighting missions during lunch breaks. Drives Toyota sedan. Possible masochist.
Romania: Large, burly mechanical engineer with requisite communist mustache, even though, in his own emphatic words "I hate communists!" Emigrated 2001. Frequent mistranslations from the original Romanian. Drives a Buick SUV with inexplicable UK flag sticker on the back, and infrequently, a Buick sedan with furry seat covers.
Libya: Diminutive, graying, scholarly-looking. Tendancy to think himself infallible and to monopolize group meetings. Also the representative of Islam. Senior research scientist. Emigrated circa 1980. Drives a mid-2000s Lexus sedan or a Ford minivan, depending on the number of carpool passengers. Keeper of the carpool matrix.
Vietnam: The absent-minded
Caucasia (region of North Cracker Awkwardonia): The stereotypical white male delegate, a native of Illinois. Tall and gangly and very awkward. Like many of his tribe, he has no rhythm and poor social skills. Emigrated to Texas circa 1985. Drives his wife's Dodge SUV on days he is the driver, and a pickup on days he isn't. Chronically late. Senior research scientist.
People's Republic of Ladyparts (PRL): Emigrated to Texas from the liberal northern east coast in 2005. Token female left-leaning feminist vegetarian atheist nutbag. Drives a 2003 Saturn Ion. Research scientist. It is very possible that you will spend several hours in the presence of this delegate before hearing her speak a complete sentence. Do not be alarmed, as this is perfectly natural for her, and not a sign that she is secretly plotting against you.
brotha Texas (bTexas): Native of Texas, and sole Black member of the United Nations of Carpool (technically, the Libyan delegate is more African, having been born there and all). Frequently used as translator for delegate for Romania. Mechanical engineer. Drives a Toyota truck named Gabby, or his wife's minivan (no known name). Delegate in temorary retrement due to change in domicile.
Special local envoy: Accompanies gym-going UNC members (PRL, Caucasia-NCA, Romania, bTexas) on routine fat-fighting missions during lunch breaks. Drives Toyota sedan. Possible masochist.
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