Writing this made me throw up in my mouth a little.

How to lose weight and develop a compulsive handwashing habit:


Step 1: Go to a meeting with your coworkers.
Step 2: Observe.


At first, you will probably observe only a little scratching. Maybe the guy across the table is scratching absently at his arm, or his head, or chin. Once you are aware of scratching, you will notice when it becomes picking. Suddenly, the gentle itch-relief of Jim from Accounting becomes the incessant picking at a bump on his forearm. Or maybe scalp-picking, or scratching at beard-stubble. Keep an eye on that scratching finger, because soon Jim’s efforts are going to pay off, and a little hunk of skin or scalp or scab is going to come off, and he is not going to just idly flick it under the table, where maybe you will be able to forget about it (after 3 or 4 rounds with a surgical antiseptic). No, Jim from Accounting is going to hold on to that little hunk of DNA, and roll it between his fingers. Maybe he will play it off as brushing his fingers off, but since you’re now obsessed (you know you are), you will watch his fingers, and see that he still has it. It’s under his fingernail, and he is glancing surreptitiously around the conference room, to see if anyone has noticed this. As long as you are not heaving up your breakfast with the realization, he will proceed with his next move—the lip brush or the nail bite. Yes, that’s right, that little bit of Jim just can’t go to feed the dust mites, he’s going to keep it. The lip brush is subtler, but Jim thinks no one has noticed, so he’s going to go for the full chomp. Fingernail and scab, all in one bite. Try not to rush out of the room, because there is more fun to be had!

Don’t worry about sticking to your diet, because you will not want to eat again ever.

Next, we meet the beard-picker, whose ingrown follicles are mighty itchy and need some relief. Try not to let him sit between you and a light source, or you will be witness to a cascade of epidermal cells, defying you to ever touch a communal tabletop again. There’s also the straight-up nail biter, who sometimes multitasks fingernail maintenance with dental hygiene, and picks his teeth with that sliver of thumbnail. In the privacy of his bathroom? No! In the middle of the meeting.

The nose scratcher quickly turns into a booger eater, using Jim’s fingernail trick, and you will never look at your boss the same way again! Or shake anyone’s hand! Or eat lunch anywhere besides the ladies’ room, which at this point is looking positively hygienic.

It’s true: everyone you work with has disgusting habits, and you will never look them in the eye again. And now that you have started noticing the scab scratching and the nail biting and the skin picking and the booger eating, you will never, EVER be able to ignore them.
Congratulations! You have (yet another) work-induced neurosis!

You’re welcome.

Romanian delegate Turtle does not like it when you're late: